Good Housekeeping is, like most women’s magazines, completely evil. It’s full of ads starring retouched and photo shopped young beauties shilling for clothes most of us can’t wear and jewelry most of us can’t afford. The ‘how to’ sections all feature ways to be less repulsive, half the articles are about fatties who’ve lost weight, half the ads are for weight loss products and the remainder are for women who are depressed, doubtless due to chronic, unsuccessful dieting. The back quarter of the magazine is devoted to recipes. Of course. The best part of the periodical is Heloise, that white haired vixen whose existence is devoted to serenely urging the rest of us to obsess over the stupidest things imaginable.
Q: My lampshades have accumulated a lot of dust over the years. Can you recommend an easy method for cleaning them?
A: Over the years? You couldn’t figure this one out for years without writing to a magazine for help? I hate cleaning and I figured this one out for myself the first time I was vacuuming cat hair off the couch and happened to notice cobwebs hanging from a lamp shade. Now I vacuum the lamps as often as I do the carpets (about twice a year.)
Q: A layer of sticky ‘fluff’ from a flannel lined vinyl tablecloth is stuck to my wood tabletop. How can I remove it?
A: Why are you using vinyl tablecloths? Leave your tabletop bare and wipe it clean after meals. Scrub the heck out of it when necessary and if the top starts to look worn, throw a new coat of varnish on once in a while. Duh.
Q: I have a ceramic bowl that’s stuck inside a metal saucepan. I’ve tried hot, soapy water; putting them in the freezer; soaking them; tapping lightly—nothing works!
A: We’re talking about your teenagers again, aren’t we? I recommend getting a firehose.
Q: My dog sits inside my glass door and slobbers all over it as he watches the world go by. I’d rather not spend time twice a day cleaning this embarrassing mess. Any ideas?
A: Place a mirror in front of the glass door. The sight of that other dog will freak yours out.
Q: My son spilled water on our beige leather sofa right before we left on vacation. We wiped it up but when we returned, the spill had turned into a big, black stain. Is there any hope?
A: Hope for what? That your alcoholic son will learn to hold his liquor? I doubt it. You should get a whiskey colored sofa, as he will surely continue to spill his ‘water’ on whatever for a very long time.