I know what’s wrong with Millennials. I had an epiphany the other night while perusing a copy of Real Simpletons. The problem is self-help columns. They’re everywhere and while the folks who write them may have degrees in human behavior, if the column I just read is any indication, they are a menace to society.
The column that caught my eye was how to deal with “passive-aggressive” behavior. I put the scare quotes around it because although p-a is real, that’s not what the column actually addressed. Actual passive aggression is when people do or say superficially nice things designed to make you feel like crap.
“I love what you’re trying to do with your hair!” and “Are you feeling okay?” are two of my favorite passive aggressive gambits. You can ruin a woman’s day with either. To ruin a guy’s day you usually have to say something more along the lines of “I…guess it happens all the time, although usually to much older men.”
Anyway, what this column does is not advise on how to deal with such jabs. No, it’s a manual for turning you into a self-absorbed, paranoid who sees every human interaction as an attack.
For instance, “Great job on that turkey!” is a compliment. To assume it’s a passive-aggressive way of saying “you’re such a crappy cook, I’m stunned you could even pull off something as simple as leaving a bird in the oven long enough to cook because you’re pretty stupid,” could merely be a sign that you are a self-loathing narcissist. The good news is that just because you hate yourself, it doesn’t necessarily follow that everyone else does.*
Oh but hey, the author of this column says otherwise! She quotes all kinds of Doctors and authors who insist that yes, it is all about you and yes, it was an insult.
Well, if doctors say so, there must be something to it. Let’s take a look. This column lays out seven common situations with appropriate (really?) reactions and responses.
Let’s begin:
IN-LAWS
Classic Scenario: You’re prepping a holiday meal and your sister-in-law is “keeping you company” in the kitchen. In other words, she’s hovering
Hold up! Isn’t it passive-aggressive to invite someone into your home whom you clearly do not want in your home? Do you routinely tell your guests “Just because I invited you over, doesn’t mean you’re welcome in my kitchen!”?
In other words, she’s hovering, wineglass in hand and commenting on the “unusual” spices you add and the “cute” little paring knife you use to chop the celery.
You know, she might just be Lutheran. Here in Minnesota, anything that isn’t salt is considered unusual and exotic. And paring knives are cute. That’s why I keep one in each of my purses.
…you use to chop celery. “I’d be lost without my Cuisinart,” she says while you tediously slice Brussel sprouts into slivers by hand.
How to React: First, talk yourself off the cliff. “In the face of a veiled attack,
STOP. What? Let me see if I have this straight: the proper way for your sister-in-law to behave as a guest in your house is to slouch around in the living room with the men, swilling wine and watching football while you slave over a hot stove? Apparently, to do otherwise constitutes an ‘attack’. But if she actually does stay out in the living room with the men, with whom will you complain that the men are all a bunch of good for nothing, lazy bums? And for heaven’s sake, part with the ten bucks and buy yourself a Slapchop. No one likes a cheap martyr.
YOUR SPOUSE
Classic Scenario: for weeks, your husband has promised that he will take down the pumpkin novelty lights strung up on the porch since Halloween. It wasn’t so bad through the fall but now it’s after Thanksgiving. Fed up, you post a shot of your orange, glowing home on Facebook, captioned sarcastically: It’s so nice of Jon to leave these lights as a bit of a change for Santa, don’t you think? When you get home, the lights are down and he has added a reply: Public shaming. Nice touch.
OH. My. God.
Expect the divorce request to come in a text.
What’s Really Going On: This one is tricky-because you both behaved badly.
YA THINK?
“Promising and then failing to remove those lights is actually passive-aggressive,” says (a doctor I wouldn’t let tend my plastic plants), even if it just seems like lazy behavior. “But so is your response.”
Let me see if I understand this: your husband, who we’ll presume is not Martha Stewart and therefore does not have a schedule of all the annoying little chores you’d like him to do each month, was too tired, busy or distracted (probably by all the sighing) to take down the stupid lights you nagged him since Labor Day to put up, before it was time for him to scale the house with the super cute lights you bought for Christmas, so you showed all your friends a picture of his junk with the caption “see what I have to put up with?” That’s not passive-aggressive; that’s aggressively abusive.
Your husband has some deep seated annoyance or anger that’s driving him to ignore your request.
Hold up! Halloween was like, three minutes ago. The Holidays are all piled on top of each other at the end of the year and it’s a lot of work to keep up and switch out all the decorations in a timely manner. Most of us are simply not anal enough to care.
How to React: “Managing your own anger is a part of the process when you’re dealing with a passive-aggressive person…especially when it’s your spouse,” says (Dr. Asshat). Start by apologizing for your post. Explain that you wrote what you wrote because he made you feel unimportant.
Hey, I know what would make you feel important: Taking down the f***ing lights yourself.
“These kinds of interactions—trying to shame someone jokingly on Facebook—chip away at a relationship” says (Dr. Asshat)…Use the incident as a segue to get to the root of it all: “When you say that you will do something and then don’t, it makes me wonder if a part of you is angry with me…”
If he denies this… accept it as part of the process. “If you continue to gently but directly confront situations, he will be less comfortable reacting in his usual manner.”
Okay. So: nag your husband to jump and if he doesn’t ask ‘how high?’ in a timely manner, insist that he’s mad at you and keep it up till he’s ready to kill you.
And don’t forget to check your texts.
OLD FRIENDS
Classic Scenario: A friend, who wants to hang out more than you typically can, texts a question. You answer, though not instantly and you also chattily ask her how her new puppy is. She responds with a cool “thanks for getting back to me. I know you’re busy.” Feeling guilty, you make a lunch date, even though work is crazy, and she arrives 45 minutes late
This one is ridiculous. Neither of these people could possibly have a friend.
YOUR FAMILY
Classic Scenario: As you’re about to scoop some gooey marshmallow-topped sweet potatoes onto your plate, your mom says, in front of everyone, “Honey, you are looking so slim and beautiful. Maybe you want to skip those?”
What’s Really Going On: Who knows? Jealousy of your youth? An attempt to retain some power over your life as you become an independent adult (more likely)? Habit?
Who wrote this?? Jealousy (sic) of your youth? She’s your mother. No matter how old or young you both are, she has always been old enough to be your mother because she is your mother. Maybe it’s just that she loves you and can’t believe you’re about to eat anything as gross as marshmallow covered sweet potatoes. I threw up a little when I read those words. Seeing someone actually shovel that goop into their mouth would make me turn inside out.
How to React: Simply say
Stop. It doesn’t matter. I can’t get past the fact that someone actually thinks eating marshmallow covered sweet potatoes is reasonable behavior. Let’s just move on.
KIDS
Classic Scenario: Before a family gathering, you ask your teenage daughter to help wrap presents and she says, “sure—in a minute.” A half hour later, she’s still binge watching season five of Gilmore Girls**, so you ask again. Again, she says “Sure, in a minute” (exasperated and snippy this time). Half an hour later, you’re still waiting.
Your kid’s a bitch. If she’s incapable of wrapping presents and watching Gilmore Girls at the same time, she’s also stupid.
How to React: Consider this an opportunity to help your teen become an assertive adult, not a passive aggressive one…with “I know this time of year can be overwhelming and Gran is probably going to criticize what you wear but family traditions…
WAIT JUST A MINUTE. Throwing Gran under the bus when she’s not there to defend herself is how you teach your child to become an assertive adult? Your bitchy kid sure came by it naturally.
“…family traditions are important. Let’s promise to help each other through the rocky parts, OK?”
Rocky parts? You mean like when your daughter throws you under the bus when you’re not there to defend yourself, just like you taught her?
When handled appropriately in happy households,
Something I would guess the author of this column has never actually experienced
Adolescents’ passive-aggressive behavior almost always disappears…Of course, parents can’t always respond like saints.
Got that? According to this column, priming your kid to expect an attack from Gran is how a Saint would respond. Saint Vile, maybe. And this is a column purporting to guide one through the shoals of other’s passive aggressive behavior! It reads more like a primer on how to be the most affective passive aggressive monster in town! Are you beginning to understand why I blame snowflake behavior on advice columns? I wish this was as bad as this particular article gets but it isn’t. Not even close.
COWORKERS
(this one is my favorite)
Classic Scenario: You are deep into a project when you take a couple of extra days off for Christmas. Despite letting everyone know that you are working through your vacation and that you should still be on every email chain, you hear from a colleague that, in your absence, the project moved to a new stage without your input.
What’s Really Going On: One of two things. The culprit may be vying with you for credit and deliberately cutting you out…or it could be a simple mistake.
No, it was totally deliberate. Clearly the PERSON WHO WORKED THROUGH CHRISTMAS WANTS THE CREDIT.
How To React: Treat the situation as…
How about you don’t abandon your coworkers in the middle of a project, forcing them to work twice as hard OVER CHRISTMAS and then pout like a princess when those who WORKED OVER CHRISTMAS take all the credit? How about you do that?
BOSS
Classic Scenario: You ask for a new project and your boss hits you with “You know this requires 200% and you’ve got so much on your plate! You are Supermom with those three kids! What do you think about Meg overseeing the project with you?”
What’s Really Going On: Make no mistake, your boss is implying that you can’t handle the job. Go ahead and get in touch with your anger but use it wisely.
Your boss is not implying you can’t handle the job, your boss is flat out saying it’s a two person job. 200% is two people giving their all. As for the ‘Supermom’ quip, this used to be called ‘tact’ but in our hyper sensitive culture it’s now a passive-aggressive attack?
How about instead of getting mad at your boss, you thank her for the opportunity to co-chair the project and try not to whine so much (Supermom? Really?) about your kids at work?
How to React: …Offer a compromise. In a calm, assertive manner, say “I hear you have concerns but it won’t be a problem. How about we keep in close contact and if you have problems with my work, you can let me know. I’m always open to feedback.”
Always open to feedback?? She just let you know: she doesn’t want to partner this job with you, she wants Meg to. Meg's probably not thrilled with the situation either, since you're famous for ditching a project in the middle, forcing everyone else to work through Christmas. No wonder your boss has a problem with you. yeah, I said "you", not "your work." You.
My advice?
When help is offered, don’t read it as criticism, just accept it.
Learn to take a compliment.
Don't badmouth Gran; set a better example for your kids.
If you want something done now, do it yourself.
Quit sweating the small stuff.
When you’re at work, do what your boss needs you to do and keep doing it until it's finished.
And most important:
Stop reading advice columns written by Grima Wormtongue.
*Unless you're the author of this column, in which case it totally does.
**What kind of a monster would interrupt someone binge watching Gilmore Girls?